He Says…She Says: Moving Beyond Conflicts in Relationships

To an outsider, both are making good points.  It’s even easy to understand why one might be right and one might be wrong. The fighting, the bickering and the put downs heighten.  Whatever pattern they form after the anguish is obvious.  One withdraws, one pursues with each feeling justified and established in their position.  Why can’t they see what’s really going on?  Why can’t they have the relationship of love that they desire as in this video that explains what love is about. CHECK LINK.

The hurt, agony, pain, and rage increases after the fact. The same music plays over and over as if there’s no way to stop the sound.  Here it goes, the same old dance and the same old song.

Then the day comes where the conflict is revisited, only louder.  The same song turned up to a fuller volume.  A revisit of the conflict increases the sound of the music.  Each position is amplified.  He says…she says…Like a merry go round the hurt, agony, pain and rage continues.  For more reading about love and relationship, you’ll find this site interesting:  http://loveandlifetoolbox.com

I often hear that one of the most difficult problems in a relationship is communication.  What changed from the courting phase to the commitment that disrupted communication patterns?  It is important to understand underlying conflicts and one way to do that is being able to communicate effectively.  What are some ways to talk that is needed in improving the communication patterns?

Have you identified the conflict between you and your partner?  What is the struggle between you?  The dance is to see who can step on the other’s toes the most.  Repressing conflicting thoughts don’t go away, they get in the way.

The BEST technique

The BEST technique is a way to improve communication.  Elements of good communication include elements of BEST described below.  Take time as often as possible to BEST your partner.  It need not take more than 2 minutes to listen with out interruption, comments or judgment.  Immediately following one person BESTing the other, it then becomes the other partner’s turn.


B is for blessed.  Gratitude can cure many ailments.  The value of appreciating and not taking things for granted prevents self pity, sadness, and not being appreciated.  Gratitude is fulfillment and joy.  What are you grateful for with your partner?  What makes them unique?  What do you appreciate?  What makes them important to you?  Tell them in a few words.

Example:  Thank you for making me feel safe

E is for edify.  Let your partner understand the specifics of what you are grateful for.  Appreciation spurs connection, while being taken for granted, creates distance.

Example:  Thank you for making my favorite meal.

S is for sharing.  This is a good way of saying what’s on your mind.  It could be something troublesome or something special.

Example:  I feel really safe when you make sure the door is locked.

T is for touch.  Human touch is critical in making a positive connection.

Example:  A touch on the shoulder or knee, or a hug.

It goes without saying that tools for listening and respect are important in the dialogue.  The technique develops crucial foundation that is at the beginning of interest in any good relationship.  The person is important, you like something they did for you, you share some meaning and touch to connect.  A good read is Gottman’s book on The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work discusses principles based in research that prevent breakup.

The next time you’re feeling in need of a connection with your partner ask:  “Best me.”

Now, you have a new dance.  Find the song that works for you.  There are many ways that can help with your relationship.  If you need help in finding your way, call me at 513-244-6990 to discuss.  What path will you take?